I thought on an Easter Sunday I'd talk about a memory from my days in catholic school. A memory that I wish I could forget but can't. Once again, enjoy my pain.
I went to high school at Saint Edmond Catholic High School. It's a really great school overall. As someone that wasn't catholic, I didn't have to participate in any religious things, I just had to be there. We had mass once or twice a month. My family never went to church, not because we aren't religious but we just never did, so mass at school was my church. All I HAD to do was go and at least act like I was listening. Most of the time I would just watch the people walk past me and imagine hitting them with a steel chair...have I mentioned I'm a professional wrestling fan? Plus it was just a chair shot to the broad of the shoulders so they'd be fine. I'm not a psycho I swear. Back to the story....
I think it was junior year so this was 1998/1999. We had confession in the library. I don't remember ever having confession at school ever again. I wasn't catholic so I didn't have to actually do the confession, I just had to sit there and not fall asleep. I just watched people go in and try to guess what they were saying. I tried to think of what I would confess if I were to confess.
"Forgive me father for I have taped multiple episodes of REAL SEX from HBO," I would say. "Not sure why, everyone on it is old and gross." I wonder if those people that were actually filmed on "Real Sex" ever confessed to being filmed going to a swingers camp specializing in dressing like a horse? Yes that was a real episode. Man I get side tracked easily....
So I'm sitting there next to my friend, when all of a sudden a feel the unmistakable feeling of gas moving around in my belly. Just as fast as I realized what was about to happen, it happened. Kind of like looking up to notice a piano falling on you and thinking "Is that a f***ing pia-SPLAT". FAAAAAARRRRRTTTT.... I did what seemed natural, I looked the opposite direction only to find everyone looking at ME. I heard myself actually say the words, "what was that?" to my friend next to me, trying to play off that it wasn't me, horribly by the way. He looked at me like "are you kidding?" Discouraged I looked to the other side, much like before, everyone was looking in my direction. Damn, foiled again. In all fairness it wasn't everyone-- it was probably 6 to 8 people all together, 3 to 4 on each side.
Seriously I mean did that have to happen then? It's CONFESSION in a LIBRARY! Which means NO ONE IS TALKING...SILENCE...EXCEPT FOR ME...AND MY FART. There were a few giggles and only one person brought it up later so that was a relief but it was high school so I'm sure the story got around, at least for the day.
For this reason and many others I was single all through high school. And College. Stupid uncontrollable bodily functions!
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