Nope. Not ready for this one yet.
Soon. I hope.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Jay Thomas vs The flatulent Confession
I thought on an Easter Sunday I'd talk about a memory from my days in catholic school. A memory that I wish I could forget but can't. Once again, enjoy my pain.
I went to high school at Saint Edmond Catholic High School. It's a really great school overall. As someone that wasn't catholic, I didn't have to participate in any religious things, I just had to be there. We had mass once or twice a month. My family never went to church, not because we aren't religious but we just never did, so mass at school was my church. All I HAD to do was go and at least act like I was listening. Most of the time I would just watch the people walk past me and imagine hitting them with a steel chair...have I mentioned I'm a professional wrestling fan? Plus it was just a chair shot to the broad of the shoulders so they'd be fine. I'm not a psycho I swear. Back to the story....
I think it was junior year so this was 1998/1999. We had confession in the library. I don't remember ever having confession at school ever again. I wasn't catholic so I didn't have to actually do the confession, I just had to sit there and not fall asleep. I just watched people go in and try to guess what they were saying. I tried to think of what I would confess if I were to confess.
"Forgive me father for I have taped multiple episodes of REAL SEX from HBO," I would say. "Not sure why, everyone on it is old and gross." I wonder if those people that were actually filmed on "Real Sex" ever confessed to being filmed going to a swingers camp specializing in dressing like a horse? Yes that was a real episode. Man I get side tracked easily....
So I'm sitting there next to my friend, when all of a sudden a feel the unmistakable feeling of gas moving around in my belly. Just as fast as I realized what was about to happen, it happened. Kind of like looking up to notice a piano falling on you and thinking "Is that a f***ing pia-SPLAT". FAAAAAARRRRRTTTT.... I did what seemed natural, I looked the opposite direction only to find everyone looking at ME. I heard myself actually say the words, "what was that?" to my friend next to me, trying to play off that it wasn't me, horribly by the way. He looked at me like "are you kidding?" Discouraged I looked to the other side, much like before, everyone was looking in my direction. Damn, foiled again. In all fairness it wasn't everyone-- it was probably 6 to 8 people all together, 3 to 4 on each side.
Seriously I mean did that have to happen then? It's CONFESSION in a LIBRARY! Which means NO ONE IS TALKING...SILENCE...EXCEPT FOR ME...AND MY FART. There were a few giggles and only one person brought it up later so that was a relief but it was high school so I'm sure the story got around, at least for the day.
For this reason and many others I was single all through high school. And College. Stupid uncontrollable bodily functions!
I went to high school at Saint Edmond Catholic High School. It's a really great school overall. As someone that wasn't catholic, I didn't have to participate in any religious things, I just had to be there. We had mass once or twice a month. My family never went to church, not because we aren't religious but we just never did, so mass at school was my church. All I HAD to do was go and at least act like I was listening. Most of the time I would just watch the people walk past me and imagine hitting them with a steel chair...have I mentioned I'm a professional wrestling fan? Plus it was just a chair shot to the broad of the shoulders so they'd be fine. I'm not a psycho I swear. Back to the story....
I think it was junior year so this was 1998/1999. We had confession in the library. I don't remember ever having confession at school ever again. I wasn't catholic so I didn't have to actually do the confession, I just had to sit there and not fall asleep. I just watched people go in and try to guess what they were saying. I tried to think of what I would confess if I were to confess.
"Forgive me father for I have taped multiple episodes of REAL SEX from HBO," I would say. "Not sure why, everyone on it is old and gross." I wonder if those people that were actually filmed on "Real Sex" ever confessed to being filmed going to a swingers camp specializing in dressing like a horse? Yes that was a real episode. Man I get side tracked easily....
So I'm sitting there next to my friend, when all of a sudden a feel the unmistakable feeling of gas moving around in my belly. Just as fast as I realized what was about to happen, it happened. Kind of like looking up to notice a piano falling on you and thinking "Is that a f***ing pia-SPLAT". FAAAAAARRRRRTTTT.... I did what seemed natural, I looked the opposite direction only to find everyone looking at ME. I heard myself actually say the words, "what was that?" to my friend next to me, trying to play off that it wasn't me, horribly by the way. He looked at me like "are you kidding?" Discouraged I looked to the other side, much like before, everyone was looking in my direction. Damn, foiled again. In all fairness it wasn't everyone-- it was probably 6 to 8 people all together, 3 to 4 on each side.
Seriously I mean did that have to happen then? It's CONFESSION in a LIBRARY! Which means NO ONE IS TALKING...SILENCE...EXCEPT FOR ME...AND MY FART. There were a few giggles and only one person brought it up later so that was a relief but it was high school so I'm sure the story got around, at least for the day.
For this reason and many others I was single all through high school. And College. Stupid uncontrollable bodily functions!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Jay Thomas vs. The Kindergarten Crush
This is a story from long ago but it has impacted my life so I feel it's necessary to tell. I'm about to tell the story that ruined my mojo with the ladies forever. Names are changed to protect the innocent...
This story takes place somewhere between 1986 and 1987 while I was in kindergarten at Feelhaver Elementary School. I met this girl, let's call her Sally, and Sally was a good friend. I liked Sally, and at the time, I thought maybe I liked her-liked her. I didn't really know what that meant or what to do with that information PLUS she was a girl...yuck. I mean boys couldn't be friends with girls, they had to be girlfriends. Remember I was 5 or 6 and really dumb.
I had played at her house before and had a blast. We watched "The Worst Witch" on HBO and in her closet she had a hidden passage way to the room next door. I think it was her little brothers at the time. That sealed the deal for me..A SECRET PASSAGE!!! IN A CLOSET!!! I've always wanted a secret passage way in a closet, ever since I saw the movie "REAL GENIUS". If you haven't seen that gem of the 80's DO IT. Now this passage was NOTHING like it is in "REAL GENIUS" but it was close enough for me to fall in love. Probably more with her closet and not so much her.
She was going to come to my house and I knew today was the day...I was gonna make my kindergarten move and kiss her. On the cheek of course...I mean I'm not crazy or anything. But still that was breaking the rules and kissing a girl. My vinyl A-Team tent was up in the play room, the coloring books were out, and the Benji story book album was playing in the background. Ah yes my friends, the mood was set.
She came over and we were coloring away. My door was open and I peeked out in the hallway. That was when I saw my older brother. He looked at me and made a mocking kissy face at me. I nodded in agreement, this was the time. I know that isn't what he was going for but I took it as GO TIME!
I moved in and sat closer to her. She was focused on the picture she was coloring perfectly. I leaned in and.....DIDN'T DO A GOD DAMNED THING. This was the FIRST in many moments where I hesitated and then....plaaaah nothing. I backed off and started coloring. I don't remember anything else after this.
This is the moment that has defined my romantic relationships. It was the first time I thought, "What if this goes wrong and she makes fun of me?!" That thought has lasted my entire life...right up to my first actual kiss...20 years later. That is a whole different botched mission for another time.
MISSION....FAIL.
P.S. The Benji Storybook album should have sealed it!
This story takes place somewhere between 1986 and 1987 while I was in kindergarten at Feelhaver Elementary School. I met this girl, let's call her Sally, and Sally was a good friend. I liked Sally, and at the time, I thought maybe I liked her-liked her. I didn't really know what that meant or what to do with that information PLUS she was a girl...yuck. I mean boys couldn't be friends with girls, they had to be girlfriends. Remember I was 5 or 6 and really dumb.
I had played at her house before and had a blast. We watched "The Worst Witch" on HBO and in her closet she had a hidden passage way to the room next door. I think it was her little brothers at the time. That sealed the deal for me..A SECRET PASSAGE!!! IN A CLOSET!!! I've always wanted a secret passage way in a closet, ever since I saw the movie "REAL GENIUS". If you haven't seen that gem of the 80's DO IT. Now this passage was NOTHING like it is in "REAL GENIUS" but it was close enough for me to fall in love. Probably more with her closet and not so much her.
She was going to come to my house and I knew today was the day...I was gonna make my kindergarten move and kiss her. On the cheek of course...I mean I'm not crazy or anything. But still that was breaking the rules and kissing a girl. My vinyl A-Team tent was up in the play room, the coloring books were out, and the Benji story book album was playing in the background. Ah yes my friends, the mood was set.
She came over and we were coloring away. My door was open and I peeked out in the hallway. That was when I saw my older brother. He looked at me and made a mocking kissy face at me. I nodded in agreement, this was the time. I know that isn't what he was going for but I took it as GO TIME!
I moved in and sat closer to her. She was focused on the picture she was coloring perfectly. I leaned in and.....DIDN'T DO A GOD DAMNED THING. This was the FIRST in many moments where I hesitated and then....plaaaah nothing. I backed off and started coloring. I don't remember anything else after this.
This is the moment that has defined my romantic relationships. It was the first time I thought, "What if this goes wrong and she makes fun of me?!" That thought has lasted my entire life...right up to my first actual kiss...20 years later. That is a whole different botched mission for another time.
MISSION....FAIL.
P.S. The Benji Storybook album should have sealed it!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Jay Thomas vs. The Fish Fillet
I was very hungry today. I opened the freezer to "hunt" my lunch. I hunted through the mountains of Lean Cuisine, and Smart Choice meals. None of them looked all that appealing today. Then I found what I was looking for...the fish fillets. I had just enough time to preheat the oven and cook my fish before I had to go to work.
Fish sounded like a good idea. So I preheated the oven and went to the bathroom. I've noticed a theme in my, now two, blogs...I go "potty" often. Anyway back to the story at hand. I get back to the kitchen about two minutes later, not really enough time for a proper pre-heat but oh well. I throw the fish in and set my timer. I set it for 14 minutes and make the "walking man" theme from The Incredible Hulk my timer sound.
14 minutes later I got the fish out to flip it for a more thorough bake. This was when I got my first indication this was going to be a difficult lunch...far more difficult than I had planned. My fish was falling apart as I was trying to flip them. Two out of the three fillets were sticking to the cooking sheet. "Come on fish, knock it off," I said out loud. I only lost a little bit of the breading, no big deal.
I put the fish back in and was about to leave the kitchen. Before I could leave I heard a sizzle and bubble sound....hmm not sure that is supposed to happen. Being lazy, I didn't check the fish and instead just reset my timer and went back to the couch to watch The Other Guys(better than you'd think!).
13 minutes later "walking man" plays and I shout, "IT'S LUNCH TIME!" I headed to the kitchen and pulled my fish out. Things LOOKED fine, but looks as we know, can be deceiving(that word just took my 2 minutes to spell...I need my new A.D.D meds QUICK). One fillet looked perfect so I slid the fork underneath it and put it on the plate. Fillet 2 looked iffy at best so I thought I'd comeback to that one. Fillet 3 was a little stuck but I was able to get it off the sheet with minimal breading destruction.
Now time for fillet 2, I try to delicately push the fork under...no dice. So I, with all my might, THRUST the fork under the fillet and it's like hitting a BRICK WALL. OH NO YOU DON'T FISH FILLET, I'M GOING TO EAT YOU! So I thrust as hard as I can again and the fork breaks through a little. "Don't do this to me fish," I plead. "COME ON!" With all my force I stab down and pull up like I was shoveling in the sandbox looking for a GI-JOE I swore I would lose. This however did not work like I'd hoped and I cut the fish in half, revealing just how gross fish fillets look on the inside.
After that I just started stabbing all over until I could get a majority of the fillet on my plate. It looked like Edward Scissorhands picked it up. It was a sad looking lunch for sure but in the end, I had my lunch. But I felt defeated....defeated by a fish fillet.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED-ish.
Fish sounded like a good idea. So I preheated the oven and went to the bathroom. I've noticed a theme in my, now two, blogs...I go "potty" often. Anyway back to the story at hand. I get back to the kitchen about two minutes later, not really enough time for a proper pre-heat but oh well. I throw the fish in and set my timer. I set it for 14 minutes and make the "walking man" theme from The Incredible Hulk my timer sound.
14 minutes later I got the fish out to flip it for a more thorough bake. This was when I got my first indication this was going to be a difficult lunch...far more difficult than I had planned. My fish was falling apart as I was trying to flip them. Two out of the three fillets were sticking to the cooking sheet. "Come on fish, knock it off," I said out loud. I only lost a little bit of the breading, no big deal.
I put the fish back in and was about to leave the kitchen. Before I could leave I heard a sizzle and bubble sound....hmm not sure that is supposed to happen. Being lazy, I didn't check the fish and instead just reset my timer and went back to the couch to watch The Other Guys(better than you'd think!).
13 minutes later "walking man" plays and I shout, "IT'S LUNCH TIME!" I headed to the kitchen and pulled my fish out. Things LOOKED fine, but looks as we know, can be deceiving(that word just took my 2 minutes to spell...I need my new A.D.D meds QUICK). One fillet looked perfect so I slid the fork underneath it and put it on the plate. Fillet 2 looked iffy at best so I thought I'd comeback to that one. Fillet 3 was a little stuck but I was able to get it off the sheet with minimal breading destruction.
Now time for fillet 2, I try to delicately push the fork under...no dice. So I, with all my might, THRUST the fork under the fillet and it's like hitting a BRICK WALL. OH NO YOU DON'T FISH FILLET, I'M GOING TO EAT YOU! So I thrust as hard as I can again and the fork breaks through a little. "Don't do this to me fish," I plead. "COME ON!" With all my force I stab down and pull up like I was shoveling in the sandbox looking for a GI-JOE I swore I would lose. This however did not work like I'd hoped and I cut the fish in half, revealing just how gross fish fillets look on the inside.
After that I just started stabbing all over until I could get a majority of the fillet on my plate. It looked like Edward Scissorhands picked it up. It was a sad looking lunch for sure but in the end, I had my lunch. But I felt defeated....defeated by a fish fillet.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED-ish.
Jay Thomas VS. The Mouse
Every now and again a person is asked to go above and beyond their comfort zone. I hate those moments. As a man...I'm not exactly your ideal choice. BUT I'm married; and the 'ol ball and chain is terrified of mice. So scared infact she has the ability to jump on to anything that is near by if she sees a mouse or maybe just THINKS a mouse is near. And last night...I was called to action. I hate you Monday, I hate you so much...
Maybe I should preface this by saying we have cats. Three cats. Three large cats. Three large STUPID cats. They couldn't catch a mouse if you went up to them, opened their mouth and placed a mouse into the mouth you forced open.
Lately we have had mice in the kitchen around the cats food(you'd think convenient, right?). We set traps and get a few, then a week later they are back. Last night I was on my way to the bathroom to go potty. I peeked into the bedroom and noticed the cats moving as if they were hunting. I knew this couldn't be the case but I investigated further. "Hey guys...what are you doing?" I asked. Then I saw a mouse FLOP from under the bed onto a pair of my underwear(Yes I realize I should have put them in the laundry but I was tired and it was dark. Who are you to judge me?), then it darted back under the bed. I took a deep breath and left the bedroom.
I looked at my wife, Shanna, and calmly said, "We have a bit of an issue..." She picked her feet up from the floor and tucked them under her on the couch. "What kind...?" she asked. "The mouse kind," I retorted firmly. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a big bowl. My thought was, the mouse would try to run by my wheelchair and I'd drop the bowl on it's head like the game mouse trap.
I take the bowl into the bedroom and see the mouse and cats make figure 8's all around the bed. I sit there patiently waiting for my moment. My cat Cheddar finally brings it near me and I THROW the bowl at the mouse. I missed the mouse and hit Cheddar in the head. He looked at me with a "WTF DICK!" look on his face. It was a scene from the three stooges.
Eventually after about 20 minutes the mouse runs into the fireplace and dangles like a bat looking at the three of us almost saying, "You three are idiots, I'll be living forever." I sit and stare at it, plotting my next strategic move.
I found a spray bottle next to the bed and I start shooting the mouse with water, hoping that I will get another shot at throwing the bowl at him. At this point I'm still convinced that the bowl trick will work. All I manage to accomplish with the water is soaking the mouse and getting him to blend into the fireplace so the cats can't see him. Almost like a very week PREDATOR.
Then I thought, "wait a minute...mice love cheese. We have cheese curds...booyah!" I throw cheese curds at him to lure him out...so I can throw the bowl(I was very convinced that would work even though I've never been good at the game MOUSE TRAP). The cats would occasionally come in and sniff around the mouse. Sometimes they would even find him but just touched him with a paw and then leave again. Bored. No killer instinct in those cats. After 45 minutes of playing "who can blink first" I leave the bedroom and scream "F*** IT! We are calling an exterminator!" Then my cheap instincts take over and I grab my rat terrior and I throw him in the bedroom.
Long story short, I'm alive, the mouse isn't...
Mission Accomplished.
Maybe I should preface this by saying we have cats. Three cats. Three large cats. Three large STUPID cats. They couldn't catch a mouse if you went up to them, opened their mouth and placed a mouse into the mouth you forced open.
Lately we have had mice in the kitchen around the cats food(you'd think convenient, right?). We set traps and get a few, then a week later they are back. Last night I was on my way to the bathroom to go potty. I peeked into the bedroom and noticed the cats moving as if they were hunting. I knew this couldn't be the case but I investigated further. "Hey guys...what are you doing?" I asked. Then I saw a mouse FLOP from under the bed onto a pair of my underwear(Yes I realize I should have put them in the laundry but I was tired and it was dark. Who are you to judge me?), then it darted back under the bed. I took a deep breath and left the bedroom.
I looked at my wife, Shanna, and calmly said, "We have a bit of an issue..." She picked her feet up from the floor and tucked them under her on the couch. "What kind...?" she asked. "The mouse kind," I retorted firmly. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a big bowl. My thought was, the mouse would try to run by my wheelchair and I'd drop the bowl on it's head like the game mouse trap.
I take the bowl into the bedroom and see the mouse and cats make figure 8's all around the bed. I sit there patiently waiting for my moment. My cat Cheddar finally brings it near me and I THROW the bowl at the mouse. I missed the mouse and hit Cheddar in the head. He looked at me with a "WTF DICK!" look on his face. It was a scene from the three stooges.
Eventually after about 20 minutes the mouse runs into the fireplace and dangles like a bat looking at the three of us almost saying, "You three are idiots, I'll be living forever." I sit and stare at it, plotting my next strategic move.
I found a spray bottle next to the bed and I start shooting the mouse with water, hoping that I will get another shot at throwing the bowl at him. At this point I'm still convinced that the bowl trick will work. All I manage to accomplish with the water is soaking the mouse and getting him to blend into the fireplace so the cats can't see him. Almost like a very week PREDATOR.
Then I thought, "wait a minute...mice love cheese. We have cheese curds...booyah!" I throw cheese curds at him to lure him out...so I can throw the bowl(I was very convinced that would work even though I've never been good at the game MOUSE TRAP). The cats would occasionally come in and sniff around the mouse. Sometimes they would even find him but just touched him with a paw and then leave again. Bored. No killer instinct in those cats. After 45 minutes of playing "who can blink first" I leave the bedroom and scream "F*** IT! We are calling an exterminator!" Then my cheap instincts take over and I grab my rat terrior and I throw him in the bedroom.
Long story short, I'm alive, the mouse isn't...
Mission Accomplished.
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