Jay Thomas vs. The ______ Blocking Staircase

Last week the wife and I went to see a movie.  We saw the movie Drive.  We both thought it was great. (I highly recommend it.  It is very slow paced and violent, just an fyi)  The one bad side effect of going to this movie was that Ryan Gosling was in it.  I like the guy, seems nice, good actor, and I enjoyed his movie.  The bad part you ask?  Now my lovely wife is in LOVE with the guy.

I'm not kidding.  It's the real deal. L-O-V-E.  She hasn't been this much in love since EMINEM. (It was a long summer...)  I've been told nearly every morning on my radio show that I am not romantic.  In all truth I'm really not BUT every once in a while I give it a shot.  My opportunity presented itself this past weekend.  "Crazy, Stupid, Love" a movie that has been out for a long time was still playing in the small town of Perry, Iowa.  I don't know much about this movie but I do know that it features Mr. Gosling without his shirt...something I know the MRS.  REALLY wants to see on the big screen. 

We made plans to go Saturday afternoon.  Before we left for Perry we just relaxed all day.  As I was flipping through the channels I noticed that it was an EMINEM takeover on FUSE.  CHA-CHING.  I was taking Shanna to see a shirtless Ryan Gosling and now there is an EMINEM marathon on before hand.  This may turn into a pretty good day and into a very fun Saturday night.  I let her know what was on and we watched it for a bit.  Well done sir, nice move.  Everything was going according to plan!

My cousin has a friend in Perry so he decided he would come with.  We got to town, had some ice cream and headed to the theater.  My cousin and his friend paid first.  I looked around at this new movie theater I've never been to.  I really like old theaters, not sure why but I do.  It was pretty small but had a huge stair case going upstairs to what I imagine was the projection room....I was wrong.

The lady at the counter informed us that the very movie we came to see...the movie that was sure to be the key to the wife's heart...was UP THE STAIRS.  Maybe there was an elevator...in a small town movie theater? FAT CHANCE.  Shanna turned around and looked at me and said the next logical thing, "Did you want to see one of the other movies?  Let's see...."The Help" or "A DOLPHIN'S TALE"...if there was ever a time to use the letters F, M, and L, this was it. FML!

I love my wife, I really do, but I had to say NOT A CHANCE IN HELL was I going to see THOSE two movies by MYSELF.  I did think for a second, maybe I could just stay in the car.  That thought never came out of my mouth and in fact I said, "I'm not waiting in the car." 

After a bit of stand and stare, we all left and came back home.  We basically spent a good chunk of Saturday driving thru rural Iowa.  Neat.  Real cool. 

You may be wonder how the rest of the night went, did it go according to plan?  Shanna took Benadryl and we watched SNL.  Then went to bed. So we could sleep. 

I. Hate. Stairs. A lot.  They are the bane of my existence.   At least I'm not the only one.

Jay Thomas vs. A Big Pair of Boots

Another blog, just a day later?!  YEPPERS YUP YUP!  And it is another of the Chronicles of Jay Thomas: College Adviser!  This is probably the most embarrassing memory I have from running the broadcasting program at Iowa Central.  Although I have to say, it is easily also one of my favorites because it is just so ridiculous.

Now entering AWKWARDVILLE!

A couple bits of set up are required. Firstly, I never had a HUGE group of students and even less were female students.  If the higher ups ever needed me I made sure I was able to get to my phone as much as possible.  If they scheduled a visit I wanted to be around to give a tour and be able to be as available as I could.  One thing I did was, if I had a lab class in the studio, I would leave my office door open and also the studio door so I could easily get away if I needed to.

So one day in the winter of 2010(just after the first of the year), I'm in production with my class.  Everyone is dressing a bit warmer by this time.  One of my students, the only girl in the program at the time, was wearing very large snow boots and I always thought they were funny looking.  She would walk around and you could hear her because of the stomping sounds the boots made.  So I noticed them.

We were critiquing assignments and I heard my phone ring.  I told whatever student was playing there assignment to pause it because I needed to get the phone.  "alright, pause it, I'll be right back." It was at this point I tried to come up with something dumb to say to make my exit.  By this I mean, something FUNNY DUMB to say, not something that would make me look like a complete jackass. But...you know...

"Alright, while I'm gone, I want all of you to stare at Kellie's huge boots."  Simple statement that went through my head, but when it came out...imagine what it sounded like...especially in a room full of 20-25 year old guys and one girl.

"WHAT?!"  They exclaimed!

"NO, NO!  Idiots, I said BOOTS, BOOTS, LOOK AT HER BOOTS...THEY'RE HUGE!"

Again, I thought that would have sounded better than it actually did.  Also I was now pointing at her.  Everybody burst into laughter, eventually after a moment of shock like I had just punched her mother, Kellie burst into laughter, too.

The thing about Kellie that really wasn't helping the matter any was that...how do I say this...She isn't exactly Sandra Bullock--if you're pickin' up what I'm putting down.

Whatchu Talkin' Bout Willis?

And what do I do?  Draw a ton of eyes right to her.  Good job Jay. Proud of ya.

It's kind of a running gag now when I see her. Still doesn't change that fact that I'm a moron.  WHY DID I THINK THAT WAS EVEN FUNNY?!  For real though-- those boots were huge!  Like Mario 3 big....

Yep, kinda like this.  But two of them...aaand I'm right back to where I started.

Jay Thomas vs. The Hang-up

Once upon a time I was the program coordinator of broadcasting at Iowa Central in Fort Dodge.  Part of my job was to recruit new people to the program.  Sometimes that meant going to area high schools and talk with classes.  I was surprisingly OK at that. The other way we would recruit was by having faculty calling nights.  This is where our next blog took place.

I had signed up to recruit on a Wednesday night after I left the radio station.  I was excited about this recruiting night because for once, I was able to recruit from my office.  I liked this because I didn't have to hear other advisers actually get new students AND because it gave me a chance to check on a couple of students that had radio shows at night.

On a side note...I'll probably blog about being at Iowa Central a lot more, specifically being at the college radio station 88.1 The Point.  It was one of my greatest time periods in my life.  With lots of awkwardness and funny stories.  Back to the our program already in progress...

I checked the clock on the computer and noticed it was time to start calling.  I got online, grabbed my phone list and prepared to sell this program until my last breath!  By the way--sales is not an aspect of radio I've ever been interested in.  But with many things I've learned is that you never do exactly what you want to do.  You'll do what you love...plus 1000 other things that aren't near as fun.

I grabbed my phone and dialed the first number.  Nothing.  Dialed the second number...it rang...voicemail...balls.  Try the third...kid isn't home.  Parents are busy.  Neat.  Well this is going awesome.  When I call students I always have a hand over the phone so I can just click to hang up because most of the time I either don't get through or it's a quick call and then I move on.

I finally get someone at about the 6th call.
"Hi, is__________there?"
"This is."
"Oh, hello!  This is Jay Black, Program Coordinator of Broadcasting at Iowa Central in Fort Dodge."

Then I get the usually response in a "OH COME ON...YOU!?"  Kind of voice...

"Oh...hi."

I give him the usually speech about what the radio broadcasting program offers and then he drops the line all advisers hate...

"Well I kinda already picked a school."

Then it happened...at the worst possible time....

"Oh ok, no problem." CLICK!

Remember when I said that my hand was always over the phone so I could hang up quick and go to the next call?  Well...my finger twitched and I hung up on a kid that had just told me he chose another school.  My first thought?

HOLY SH**!  I JUST HUNG UP ON THAT KID!  I LOOK LIKE SUCH AN ***HOLE!

What do I do next, you may be wondering?  I CALL BACK.  BUSY....CALL BACK...BUSY....CALL BACK...BUSY.  I become a full on stalker now.  Then I take a deep breath, back away from my desk, and compose myself a little.  I'm about one more call away from a restraining order.

Once I relax and quit thinking about how bad I just made the school look, I start calling more prospective students.  I had a few good calls, you know, "maybes" and my favorite, "I'll think about it."  But I just couldn't leave well enough alone...

Before I left, I decided to try one more time to call the kid that I had hung up on back.  This time...it rings.

"Hello?"
"Hi is this____?
"Yeeaaaah?"
"Hi this is Jay Black again."
"what?"
"Jay Black...from Iowa Central in Fort Dodge."
"Oh...hey?"
"I just wanted you to know that earlier, when you said that you chose a different school.  That I didn't hang up on you."
"I---didn't."
"Oh good!  I just didn't want you to think that I was mad or anything because you decided to go to another college."
"I didn't...so.."

I wish I could say that I said goodbye and left it alone--but I did not.

"Great!  No that is just awesome, I'm happy you found a school you like!"
"thanks."
"So what are you going into?"  SERIOUSLY JUST HANG UP!!! I KEPT YELLING AT MYSELF!  WHO GIVES A FLYING FUDGE WHAT THIS DOUCHY DOUCHEBAG OF A KID IS GOING INTO...NOT YOUR SCHOOL IS WHAT HE IS GOING INTO!

"I'm not sure yet."
"aaaah don't worry about it, sometimes it takes time. Like when I was in school..." Yep this S*** happened.

I imagine this was the look on the person's face.  Except in real life it was a boy...which is a tad creepier.

Eventually I hung up, this time on purpose, and we never spoke again.  I'm currently not employed at Iowa Central.

Jay Thomas vs. Jay Thomas?

I got a call from my doctor today and he told me that after speaking with another surgeon, surgery isn't the best option.  That means I will not be having surgery anytime soon!

But wait, what about the hernia?

Well it gets to stay and I live around it.  How do I do that?  Well I'm very glad you've asked, because I have the answer!  Before I left Rochester earlier this week they told me to take Miralax.  I'll let you figure out what that does.  Here is a clue, it'll keep room in my fat belly.  Still not getting it?  Maybe this will help.

There you go(literally!)

The doctor also said that I need to lose weight.  Not sure how that is going to happen but I'm going to try.  Eat better I guess, exer..ex...I can't even say that second part but I guess I'll give it a whirl.  I have to, otherwise I'll have to have a surgery that would keep me out of action for a while.  Action? Yeah action.  Why am I arguing with myself?  Probably because I'm tired.  Aw crap I'm in an endless loop of blogging to myself!

For real though, I'm super lazy!  Not sure exactly how I'll get on this and stick to it.  I'll have to make myself a workout playlist that consists of music from Rocky, Karate Kid, and The Last Dragon....I'll be slim(let's be honest, less fat.) in no time!

This is what I'm bloggin' about!


This hernia doesn't stand a chance.

Jay Thomas vs. Going Home?

I am back from my super long medical trip. By super long I mean my surprisingly short 24 hour trip. Without a surgery to boot! So am I cured?

Short answer--Nope.

I got up to Rochester and they took my blood from me, bastards. Then I met with a new doctor, a grown up doctor. He seemed nice. Also didn't want to operate on me because he thought it could cause more issues than it would cause good. Also because he wasn't real sure what was going on with my plumbing. Too bad Mario wasn't there to help.

At one point as he was looking at my CT scan he actually said, "I'm not sure what's going on here." Not because I was so diseased up but honestly my insides are rewired and a little goofy looking if you don't have prior knowledge. I've seen those kind of scans a thousand times and I have no clue what's going on.

He suggested that I see one of my old surgeons. So that's just what I did. He told me kind of the same thing but was more open for surgery but he can't do it alone. He is getting a group of people that specialize in hernia's of this kind.  Sort of like an...A-TEAM!

So what now? Well, I wait. Not sure how long. I'm thinking sooner rather than later though.  In the mean time--

To Be Continued...

Jay Thomas vs. Going Under (The Knife!)

Since 1982 I've had countless surgeries. More than I can even remember. My last surgery was my freshman year of high school. That was almost 15 years ago. (holy crap) On Tuesday that 15 year streak of no surgeries comes to an end.

In a way this is a follow up to my blog about talking to the crazy lady at the hospital. I got the results back from my CT scan and as the doctor predicted, I have a hernia. This requires surgery to fix so it's off to Rochester Minnesota, my home away from home.

For the first time I'm not being seen by my pediatric doctors. I'm surprised because last time I saw them for a check up was only five years ago. It was strange being in the waiting room with a bunch of kids but mentally I'm right with 'em. I'm fine with it though, it's time to move on. I'm a unique case to say the least so the doctors held on for quite a while.

I'm not sure how long I'll be at Mayo. With any luck it will only be a couple of days. I've done this stuff before so I'm not worried. I'm sure the pain AFTER surgery will suck but I'll deal with it like I always do. Besides, chicks dig scars, right?

As Desmond Hume from LOST would say, "See you in another life, brotha."

I know this picture won't be accurate but a dude can dream, can't he?!

Jay Thomas vs. The Summer of 2011

If you haven't been able to tell by now, I love movies.  I think they are super spectacular.  I usually watch one every couple of days---if not more.  Last Tuesday for example I watched two movies; Super and Your Highness.  I went to a lot of movies this past summer at the movie theater.  Here are my TOP 5 movies of the SUMMER OF 2011:


1. Captain America: The First Avenger. 

I loved this movie, it was just a ton of fun from beginning to end.  I've never been a huge Captain America comic book reader but always liked the character.  Similar to SUPERMAN(my favorite) in character and ideals.  The movie worked all across the board.  I did think it dragged a bit in the middle but I got over it pretty quick.



2. Rise of the Planets of The Apes.

This would have been number one hands down if the human performances were any damn good but they were not.  James Franco was channeling his soap skills in this one unfortunately BUT all is washed away when you get into the story of CAESAR the ape.  His arc as a character is one of the best I've seen in a long time.  The effects are more than top notch, I loved everything not James Franco in this movie!  It was the only movie I saw this summer twice.




3. Bridesmaids.

Bridesmaids had me laughing the entire length of the movie.  HILARIOUS doesn't begin to cover it.  Some jokes felt like SNL skits on the big screen but they still made me laugh.  I really enjoyed Kristen Wiig and I usually don't on SNL.  She was outstanding in Bridesmaids.  Oh and it is NOT The Hangover for girls, I hate that comparison.  No one has beards in this...come on.



4. X-Men: The First Class.

 I honestly wasn't sure if the X-Men franchise could rebound after the terrible X-Men: The Last Stand or the somehow even worse X-Men Origins: Wolverine.  They did it in a big way with X-MEN: FIRST CLASS.  This tells the origins of Erik and Charles or Magneto and Professor X.  Friends who become enemies.  Michael Fassbender as Magneto is so much fun to watch in every scene. I could do with out a majority of the other mutants though, they were the worst part and the fact that they are sticking to cannon established in the previous movies.  I loved the 1960's setting, it made it different and set apart from other superhero movies.



5. Fast Five.

I honestly was torn on number 5 on the list.  Thor vs. Fast Five vs. Super 8.  I actually saw Fast Five and THOR on the same day and I have to say Fast Five had me rooting for it a bit more.  It really is a fun summer movie that is complete guilty pleasure fun.  I have to admit the whole Fast franchise has a special place in my heart for some reason, I love almost all of them.(part 2 is really bad)  From beginning to end this was a fun popcorn movie that I'm sure I'll watch many times over and I can't lie to you, I'm excited for the next one.  The Rock vs Vin Diesel part II.  Their fight was awesome.






Honorable Mentions:

SUPER 8. 
I really did enjoy a LOT of this movie BUT it fell flat towards the end and the metaphors were extremely forced and not subtle at all.  I loved the kids, I loved the overall idea but it just didn't have what the others seemed too.

THOR. 
SO CLOSE to making the cut but I've never been a huge fan of THOR and half the time I forget that I saw it.  It was extremely entertaining while I was watching it and I'm sure down the road I'll own it but there were far better movies out this summer.

Green Lantern. 
Another superhero movie I really did enjoy while I was watching it but again, kind of forget I saw it.  I don't think it was anywhere near as bad as think.  It's not Van Wilder in tights.  It's Van Wilder in a CG body, duh.

My least favorites of the summer:

Bad Teacher-
Funny in parts but very few parts.  Very unlikeable characters and not redeemable at all.


Transformers III-
I have disliked every Transformers movie and this one was no exception.  Better than the second but still a turd sandwich.


The Hangover II-
I wouldn't call this bad but it was ultimately forgettable.  I really remember very little about this movie.  I remember laughing a lot but I have no clue what I was laughing at.


Cowboys and Aliens-
I really liked Daniel Craig in this but that is really about it.  As time as gone on I realized I liked it less than I thought.  It was really boring.  I did slightly like the alien in this better than the alien in Super 8.