Jay Thomas vs. The ______ Blocking Staircase

Last week the wife and I went to see a movie.  We saw the movie Drive.  We both thought it was great. (I highly recommend it.  It is very slow paced and violent, just an fyi)  The one bad side effect of going to this movie was that Ryan Gosling was in it.  I like the guy, seems nice, good actor, and I enjoyed his movie.  The bad part you ask?  Now my lovely wife is in LOVE with the guy.

I'm not kidding.  It's the real deal. L-O-V-E.  She hasn't been this much in love since EMINEM. (It was a long summer...)  I've been told nearly every morning on my radio show that I am not romantic.  In all truth I'm really not BUT every once in a while I give it a shot.  My opportunity presented itself this past weekend.  "Crazy, Stupid, Love" a movie that has been out for a long time was still playing in the small town of Perry, Iowa.  I don't know much about this movie but I do know that it features Mr. Gosling without his shirt...something I know the MRS.  REALLY wants to see on the big screen. 

We made plans to go Saturday afternoon.  Before we left for Perry we just relaxed all day.  As I was flipping through the channels I noticed that it was an EMINEM takeover on FUSE.  CHA-CHING.  I was taking Shanna to see a shirtless Ryan Gosling and now there is an EMINEM marathon on before hand.  This may turn into a pretty good day and into a very fun Saturday night.  I let her know what was on and we watched it for a bit.  Well done sir, nice move.  Everything was going according to plan!

My cousin has a friend in Perry so he decided he would come with.  We got to town, had some ice cream and headed to the theater.  My cousin and his friend paid first.  I looked around at this new movie theater I've never been to.  I really like old theaters, not sure why but I do.  It was pretty small but had a huge stair case going upstairs to what I imagine was the projection room....I was wrong.

The lady at the counter informed us that the very movie we came to see...the movie that was sure to be the key to the wife's heart...was UP THE STAIRS.  Maybe there was an elevator...in a small town movie theater? FAT CHANCE.  Shanna turned around and looked at me and said the next logical thing, "Did you want to see one of the other movies?  Let's see...."The Help" or "A DOLPHIN'S TALE"...if there was ever a time to use the letters F, M, and L, this was it. FML!

I love my wife, I really do, but I had to say NOT A CHANCE IN HELL was I going to see THOSE two movies by MYSELF.  I did think for a second, maybe I could just stay in the car.  That thought never came out of my mouth and in fact I said, "I'm not waiting in the car." 

After a bit of stand and stare, we all left and came back home.  We basically spent a good chunk of Saturday driving thru rural Iowa.  Neat.  Real cool. 

You may be wonder how the rest of the night went, did it go according to plan?  Shanna took Benadryl and we watched SNL.  Then went to bed. So we could sleep. 

I. Hate. Stairs. A lot.  They are the bane of my existence.   At least I'm not the only one.

Jay Thomas vs. A Big Pair of Boots

Another blog, just a day later?!  YEPPERS YUP YUP!  And it is another of the Chronicles of Jay Thomas: College Adviser!  This is probably the most embarrassing memory I have from running the broadcasting program at Iowa Central.  Although I have to say, it is easily also one of my favorites because it is just so ridiculous.

Now entering AWKWARDVILLE!

A couple bits of set up are required. Firstly, I never had a HUGE group of students and even less were female students.  If the higher ups ever needed me I made sure I was able to get to my phone as much as possible.  If they scheduled a visit I wanted to be around to give a tour and be able to be as available as I could.  One thing I did was, if I had a lab class in the studio, I would leave my office door open and also the studio door so I could easily get away if I needed to.

So one day in the winter of 2010(just after the first of the year), I'm in production with my class.  Everyone is dressing a bit warmer by this time.  One of my students, the only girl in the program at the time, was wearing very large snow boots and I always thought they were funny looking.  She would walk around and you could hear her because of the stomping sounds the boots made.  So I noticed them.

We were critiquing assignments and I heard my phone ring.  I told whatever student was playing there assignment to pause it because I needed to get the phone.  "alright, pause it, I'll be right back." It was at this point I tried to come up with something dumb to say to make my exit.  By this I mean, something FUNNY DUMB to say, not something that would make me look like a complete jackass. But...you know...

"Alright, while I'm gone, I want all of you to stare at Kellie's huge boots."  Simple statement that went through my head, but when it came out...imagine what it sounded like...especially in a room full of 20-25 year old guys and one girl.

"WHAT?!"  They exclaimed!

"NO, NO!  Idiots, I said BOOTS, BOOTS, LOOK AT HER BOOTS...THEY'RE HUGE!"

Again, I thought that would have sounded better than it actually did.  Also I was now pointing at her.  Everybody burst into laughter, eventually after a moment of shock like I had just punched her mother, Kellie burst into laughter, too.

The thing about Kellie that really wasn't helping the matter any was that...how do I say this...She isn't exactly Sandra Bullock--if you're pickin' up what I'm putting down.

Whatchu Talkin' Bout Willis?

And what do I do?  Draw a ton of eyes right to her.  Good job Jay. Proud of ya.

It's kind of a running gag now when I see her. Still doesn't change that fact that I'm a moron.  WHY DID I THINK THAT WAS EVEN FUNNY?!  For real though-- those boots were huge!  Like Mario 3 big....

Yep, kinda like this.  But two of them...aaand I'm right back to where I started.

Jay Thomas vs. The Hang-up

Once upon a time I was the program coordinator of broadcasting at Iowa Central in Fort Dodge.  Part of my job was to recruit new people to the program.  Sometimes that meant going to area high schools and talk with classes.  I was surprisingly OK at that. The other way we would recruit was by having faculty calling nights.  This is where our next blog took place.

I had signed up to recruit on a Wednesday night after I left the radio station.  I was excited about this recruiting night because for once, I was able to recruit from my office.  I liked this because I didn't have to hear other advisers actually get new students AND because it gave me a chance to check on a couple of students that had radio shows at night.

On a side note...I'll probably blog about being at Iowa Central a lot more, specifically being at the college radio station 88.1 The Point.  It was one of my greatest time periods in my life.  With lots of awkwardness and funny stories.  Back to the our program already in progress...

I checked the clock on the computer and noticed it was time to start calling.  I got online, grabbed my phone list and prepared to sell this program until my last breath!  By the way--sales is not an aspect of radio I've ever been interested in.  But with many things I've learned is that you never do exactly what you want to do.  You'll do what you love...plus 1000 other things that aren't near as fun.

I grabbed my phone and dialed the first number.  Nothing.  Dialed the second number...it rang...voicemail...balls.  Try the third...kid isn't home.  Parents are busy.  Neat.  Well this is going awesome.  When I call students I always have a hand over the phone so I can just click to hang up because most of the time I either don't get through or it's a quick call and then I move on.

I finally get someone at about the 6th call.
"Hi, is__________there?"
"This is."
"Oh, hello!  This is Jay Black, Program Coordinator of Broadcasting at Iowa Central in Fort Dodge."

Then I get the usually response in a "OH COME ON...YOU!?"  Kind of voice...

"Oh...hi."

I give him the usually speech about what the radio broadcasting program offers and then he drops the line all advisers hate...

"Well I kinda already picked a school."

Then it happened...at the worst possible time....

"Oh ok, no problem." CLICK!

Remember when I said that my hand was always over the phone so I could hang up quick and go to the next call?  Well...my finger twitched and I hung up on a kid that had just told me he chose another school.  My first thought?

HOLY SH**!  I JUST HUNG UP ON THAT KID!  I LOOK LIKE SUCH AN ***HOLE!

What do I do next, you may be wondering?  I CALL BACK.  BUSY....CALL BACK...BUSY....CALL BACK...BUSY.  I become a full on stalker now.  Then I take a deep breath, back away from my desk, and compose myself a little.  I'm about one more call away from a restraining order.

Once I relax and quit thinking about how bad I just made the school look, I start calling more prospective students.  I had a few good calls, you know, "maybes" and my favorite, "I'll think about it."  But I just couldn't leave well enough alone...

Before I left, I decided to try one more time to call the kid that I had hung up on back.  This time...it rings.

"Hello?"
"Hi is this____?
"Yeeaaaah?"
"Hi this is Jay Black again."
"what?"
"Jay Black...from Iowa Central in Fort Dodge."
"Oh...hey?"
"I just wanted you to know that earlier, when you said that you chose a different school.  That I didn't hang up on you."
"I---didn't."
"Oh good!  I just didn't want you to think that I was mad or anything because you decided to go to another college."
"I didn't...so.."

I wish I could say that I said goodbye and left it alone--but I did not.

"Great!  No that is just awesome, I'm happy you found a school you like!"
"thanks."
"So what are you going into?"  SERIOUSLY JUST HANG UP!!! I KEPT YELLING AT MYSELF!  WHO GIVES A FLYING FUDGE WHAT THIS DOUCHY DOUCHEBAG OF A KID IS GOING INTO...NOT YOUR SCHOOL IS WHAT HE IS GOING INTO!

"I'm not sure yet."
"aaaah don't worry about it, sometimes it takes time. Like when I was in school..." Yep this S*** happened.

I imagine this was the look on the person's face.  Except in real life it was a boy...which is a tad creepier.

Eventually I hung up, this time on purpose, and we never spoke again.  I'm currently not employed at Iowa Central.